For those of you who only need a ‘little opening’ to start laughing…
Dave Barry is one of the funniest writers ever!
From my friend Moreah Vestan’s newsletter at Moreahs-Musings@yahoo.com
If you’ve had a colonoscopy you’ll understand. And if you haven’t,
your time is coming!
This is from newshound Dave Barry’s colonoscopy journal:
“I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office,
Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that
appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly
through Minneapolis ..
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully,
but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was
shrieking, quote, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP
YOUR BEHIND!’
I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a
box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we
must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat
any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is
basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic
jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar
with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you
have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of
goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with
a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose,
watery bowel movement may result.’ This is kind of like saying
that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact
with the ground.
MoviPrep is a NUCLEAR laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic,
here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is
pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You
spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when
you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another
liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that
you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The
next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize
to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms
said.Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,
where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my
clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by
sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you
feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my
left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was
very good, and I was already lying down.
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of
this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
around in full Fire Hose Mode.
You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure
room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.
I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden
around there somewhere.
I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on
my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something
up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room,
and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA.
I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing
during this particular procedure,’Dancing Queen’ had to be the
least appropriate.
‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,
exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA
was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’
and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up
in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking
me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent
when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had
passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
internal organ.”
ABOUT THE WRITER> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor
columnist for the Miami Herald.
On the subject of Colonoscopies…
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these patient comments below
made during the exam were quite humorous…
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by patients (predominately male) while he was performing
their colonoscopies:
1.. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has
gone before!
2.. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
3… ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
4.. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
5.. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’
6.. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
7.. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’
8… ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
9.. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!
10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’
And the best one of all.
12. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my
head is not up there?’
My comment: it’s nice to be able to laugh about it now!
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